Dr Stephanie H. Lipnicki, DACM, LAc

I had my first miscarriage in my early 20s. It was before I was married. It was with someone I loved - at the time. Since I wasn’t married, it wasn’t something I was ‘allowed’ to talk about. I was also young, therefore ‘I wasn’t allowed’ to talk about it. Miscarriage is a taboo topic.

Let me be clear - I am pro-chioce. I don’t want what I say to blur that line. I did not plan on terminating that pregnancy. AND if I was, that choice needs to be made between a patient and their doctor. But I digress.

Back to miscarriage number one. When I began bleeding at around 10 weeks, I immediately went to the hospital. I was crying, I was devastated. The then BF, and yes I know this is a red flag - was annoyed that I was calling him at work. . .as I sat at the hospital by myself. I was scared. I was alone.

The Dr at St Peter’s hospital in New Brunswick - ironically Dr Callus (not sure if that was the spelling) - told me he didn’t know why I was so upset and crying since I “wasn’t that pregnant.”

I didn’t know yet for certain, but suspected I had endometriosis. I knew deep down this was not a good sign.

Later when I married, I wanted to start to try for a family right away. I knew about endometriosis and while again, no one would make the effort to diagnose me, I knew if I had it, my chances of getting pregnant were probably waning every day.

After charting my cycles for 6 months, I had the realization, and proof, I wasn’t even ovulating. (This is a whole other story that I will share later).

Eventually after much testing and some surgical procedures and the use of clomid (a fertility drug that hyperstimulates the ovaries), and then clomid with IUI (intrauterine insemination) I did get pregnant.

Once again, this ended in a miscarriage. I was devastated.

By the time I got pregnant for the third time, I was nervous and anxious.

I was tired of hearing, just relax and it will happen.

Again this pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. This time, even more complicated as it was suspected that it was twins due to the rise and fall of hormones indicating that one was lost, the other not, and then the second was lost.

AND as if I hadn’t been through enough, this miscarriage was incomplete. For those of you that watch the news and see politicians that can’t stay in their own lane - this means it required a D&C. Now illegal in some states. Or worse yet, now someone miscarrying has the fear of being told they’re committing a crime.

I felt like I couldn’t function. I felt like all joy had seeped out of me. I felt I had nothing to give to my massage clients. I wondered if carrying the massage table for home visits had caused my miscarriages.

Catholic guilt from 13 years of Catholic School (K-12 grade) left me feeling I was being punished. What had I done that was so wrong to deserve 3 miscarriages?

NOTHING. . .if you have had the tragedy of having a miscarriage. I’m going to share something with you.

Sometimes really bad shit happens to really good people.

A family member told me after that miscarriage that this is why you shouldn’t share that you are pregnant before you reach the 12 week mark.

Again, there is that unspoken rule that miscarriage is taboo. You are not “allowed” to share your loss. And you are supposed to hide your pain.

I’ve treated patients that have had losses beyond this point. I treat my patients who have lost their pregnancy with so much love. I strive to create a safe space for my patients to process their loss. I encourage them to find a place to heal the wounds their miscarriage created. And I tell them, there may always be the scar remaining after they have worked through processing their loss.

But ultimately my goal in speaking out on this topic is how pissed off it makes me that we think of miscarriage as a taboo topic.

Why are we making parents suffer their losses alone?

Can we only be there for friends, family, colleagues, or anyone we come across when celebrating their joys?

And I say ‘parents’ because while the person with the uterus that was carrying the baby is often comforted, rarely do we consider the partner that wasn’t carrying the baby.

I had a recent conversation with someone about her son and daughter in law suffering a miscarriage. And what she shared struck me. Her son mentioned the focus being on his wife, but that he was suffering just as much heartbreak, and I thought shit, why are we not comforting both parents????? WHY?????

I want to change the narrative. Stop making miscarriage a dirty, taboo word and the process of this loss something that parents-to-be have to go through alone.

There is NO reason anyone suffering the loss of a pregnancy should have to go through this trauma by themselves.

How did I get through that swamp of despair I was in from the 3rd miscarriage? By making a conscious effort to nurture myself.

I stopped doing Massage for a bit. I got massaged, but didn’t give any for a bit.

Acupuncture and Herbal medicine (I was doing it the entire time I was TTC - trying to conceive)

Therapy with EMDR Therapy (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing)

I went to a woman who practicing healing energy work that was a combination of Reiki and her own personal style of healing

I got my Aesthetics education and license because I didn’t want to sit at home alone wallowing. NOT that I didn’t give myself time to cry, but I needed to not completely isolate myself and never come out of a blanket fort.

When I still wasn’t pregnant after that - I started Acupuncture School (which I did over a long period of time since I did get pregnant while I was there).

AND Surgery and FINALLY receiving a diagnosis of Stage IV endometriosis

What else would I have done differently looking back on this time of my life?

Meditation - not that I didn’t meditate, but I would have done it more AND I would have searched out meditations like the ones I am working on geared towards healing from miscarriage

Journaling - I didn’t really make journaling a part of my life until VERY recently (like after the surgeries of 2017) and I don’t think I realized just how therapeutic journaling or even doodling are. Even coloring. Coloring can be a very therapeutic tool to clear your mind. And there are even super cool adult coloring books that you can get to make it something fun

Asking those around me to be there for me and making miscarriage more of an acceptable topic and not so taboo

Looked for a miscarriage support group (which with all the online resources now is probably way easier than it would have been 22 years ago)

This is in no way a complete list of ways to honor a loss. But they are some things I wish I did differently. AND you have EVERY RIGHT to allow yourself the space and time to work through your loss and honor your grief.

And if you don’t already know this - I did eventually conceive my twins through IVF. It was 4 years from the start of trying to conceive until actually conceiving and staying pregnant, and I was in my mid 20s when I started.

I can’t tell anyone how to heal from their pregnancy loss. BUT I can stand by my patients and help them on the path to healing as they go through this. I can help their bodies heal from their loss and help to heal the hurt that their heart feels.

There are so many different outcomes when treating fertility.

Yes, I try to help patients get pregnant. Sometimes at the end of this route of trying to conceive, the healing is realizing that a family through pregnancy isn’t how their family will grow. Sometimes, healing is realizing that being a family of 2 IS a family.

Whatever the path is, I do not want miscarriage and pregnancy loss to be something anyone goes through alone.

Keep in mind that when you ask someone about their loss, you are honoring their loss and giving them permission to mourn. AND if you ask, and someone doesn’t want/ need to/ or aren’t ready to talk, that is ok too.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE STOP making miscarriage and pregnancy loss something that needs to be healed from alone. Miscarriage is NOT a dirty word.

If you need more information on how I can help you recover from your loss, or support you on this journey please reach out to me by calling or emailing.