Matter Cannot Be Created or Destroyed

Jun 11

Dr Stephanie H. Lipnicki, DACM, LAc

I am sitting on my couch some 13 years after I wrote the blog about my grandmother’s death, realizing I never really wrote anything about my father’s passing. Which was a mere 8 months after my grandmother died (this was my maternal grandmother).

And I am still not writing about my father’s passing.

My Uncle Tommy, my mom’s older brother passed away last week less than a month after finding out he had pancreatic cancer.

I loved my Uncle. He was positively brilliant. He was intelligent, funny, an amazing uncle, wonderful father, a fantastic and talented artist and carpenter, and there are not enough great things I can say about him that will do his memory justice.

He loved my cousins, and his grandchildren, one of which he didn’t even get the chance to meet, more than anything.

A number of things have come up for me with his passing and none of this is meant to minimize the pain I know my cousins are experiencing right now - as they are all 10+ years younger than me.

I didn’t realize since my father’s passing, my uncles have become surrogate dads for me. When something happens in my life where I would have shared whatever was going on with my own dad, my urgency has been to share with my uncles. How did I not realize that sooner?

I realized this week when I see my dad’s brother I feel like his energy has stood in for my dad. My uncles visiting me in the hospital when I had my near death experience.

My daughter had an art show a few weeks ago where her senior art projects were on display. I couldn’t wait to text him and send pics of her work because I knew how much he would appreciate her talent.

The mere idea there will be no more holidays spent with him, no more moments of laughter, no more milestones in his children’s lives, or with the rest of our family to share has me just as gutted as when my father died.

I realized in the last year that art is such a critical part of my happiness in life. And I don’t think I have cultivated it the way I should have in my life because he was SO amazing. And I didn’t want people to judge how inferior my talents are. I wanted to get better at every form of art and share this with him, even though I felt I could never achieve his greatness and talent. I wanted to move out of my comfort zone and share this with him - however inferior I felt my talent is.

I had an awful teacher in 3rd grade and I somehow (I am so sorry Uncle Tommy) volunteered him to draw a picture of Mother Teresa (and yes as an adult I have heard the horror stories of what a horrible person Mother Teresa really was). He made this stunning picture, and it was maybe just ink. And that psychotic nun Sister Leah COLORED IT IN. AND she never gave it back.

I am fortunate enough to have a pointillism Carousel Horse he made as a wedding gift when I got married (thankfully I made sure I got to keep it in my divorce). It hangs in my living room.

My mom, who is just 18 months younger than her brother, got her nickname from him. Everyone has always called my mom “Cissy/ Cis.” This came from my Uncle and it was probably a combination of being told my mom was his sister and not being able to say her name.

As a kid, my grandparents owned a restaurant located across the street from their home. I spent a lot of weekends at my grandparents home because - my grandmother was awesome. Anyway, my Uncle tended bar at the restaurant. Some weekends when my grandmother would go over to clean up my grandfather’s office, my Uncle would be there straightening up the bar. I would sit at the bar and my uncle would make me Shirley Temples, and I thought I was a big shot with a fancy drink. It made me feel quite special.

When my little cousin Tommy was born, I was immensely excited to have a younger cousin (on my dad’s side my sister and I are the youngest cousins). I couldn’t wait to babysit. My uncle told my mom that “maybe” I could watch Tommy when I was 30. . .My mom replied and said you do realize that when she’s 30, he will be 20?

I have amazing memories of staying with my uncle and aunt when their twins were born, just 3 years after Tommy, to help with the chaos of 3 little ones.

I loved seeing all the amazing costumes he made for my cousins when they were little - my favorite probably being the robots he made.

I have soooo many books that he gave me over the years, all of them with inscriptions to me, but with my name spelled wrong (Stef instead of Steph or better yet Stephanie as I really do prefer my full name - but my entire family does call me Steph). He was an even more avid reader and lover of books than I am if you could believe that to be possible.

His mind was so full of information and intelligence that my mom always felt he would make an excellent contestant on Jeopardy. He really was so smart.

Last Christmas I made pudding shots. I am not sure he realized there was alcohol in them. At one point my cousin Lauren said something along the lines of Dad - you do realize there is alcohol in those right? The idea of not sharing another Christmas with him makes my heart ache.

There is never enough time is there? No matter how much time you get? And yet I felt in my gut once I heard the news of his diagnosis, our time with him was limited. I wanted to be wrong. But I just felt it.

And I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye, or even visit and say goodbye in the hopes that we had more goodbyes to have before the last goodbye. The last thing I texted him, when I got sick Memorial Day weekend and didn’t want to visit because I was sick, was “love you.”

I hate that my younger cousins will have to navigate life without their brilliant father.

As someone who has needed to take a LOT of science courses throughout college for my degrees, I have always firmly believed in The law of conservation of mass, which states that matter cannot be created or destroyed, but can only change form. I guess for me it is a way of connecting to the idea of reincarnation because I feel we are part of the universe and we continue to part of the universe even after we don’t inhabit our current form.

My cousin Tommy posted the following in his tribute to his dad:

“You once said we never really die because we are made of atoms, and atoms never die. They just release their energy somewhere else into the Universe. When you have the time, please find a way to let us know that you're OK, and I hope you're enjoying the sights as you fly by Jupiter.”

He’s not wrong. And I hope that during the rest of my lifetime that I cross paths with those atoms again and again.

Love you Uncle Tommy, I miss you already. I will make sure to look after my “little” cousins. Your memory will forever be a blessing for everyone whose lives you touched..

Stephanie Lipnicki