Dr Stephanie Lipnicki, DACM, LAc

When my kids were in preschool, the director of the school always said when meeting with parents, “Questions? Concerns? Or anything weighing heavily on your heart?” And I always loved that phrase.

I am at a loss for a witty, creative, or fun story to share this week. So instead, I will share what is weighing heavily on my heart.

I often wonder when I have to restrict my hours during July what people think when they drive by and my sign says Closed but Still Awesome almost every day. Or whether my patients don’t say anything to me but they are secretly super pissed off at me.

In general of my three kids, Tiny Dancer would be considered the most high maintenance. She dances, sings, acts, and she’s a pretty kickass fine artist. But the dancing involves me being a chauffeur more than I feel I am an Acupuncturist most weeks.

Today is the home stretch of Tiny Dancer’s Nutcracker/ Summer Dance Marathon. If you are new to my practice this is a regular summer occurrence.

Some summers the days are long enough that I can drive home and treat patients in between, and others are shorter and I stay and read in the park or go to the beach or pool courtesy of her cousin.

This summer the classes aren’t quite long enough to return, and we ALL know what gas prices are like.

I usually thoroughly enjoy this time. I get a lot of reading done, and it’s the closest thing I get to a vacation since my honeymoon with my ex and that was more than 24+ years ago.

I sit today writing and actually counting the hours until this summer session will be over.

My kids are my life. They are my heart and soul.

After dedication to dancing at the same studio for over 13 years, practicing for hours outside of the studio, Tiny Dancer was assigned a part in the Nutcracker that she did in 8th grade (she's entering her Junior year of high school in September).

She performed the last two years on pointe in the show and she’s been demoted to a role not on pointe. Her other roles in the ensemble are roles she’s repeating as well.

If you aren’t a dancer, you might not understand the devastation over this.

Listening to her sobbing about the humiliation of this demotion being announced in front of the cast, coupled with how hard she has worked to get to where she is - this is pain I would not wish on my worst enemy.

My heart has been ripped out of my chest and stomped on.

l want her to leave and dance somewhere else.

It is infuriating me to think that another dime of my hard earned money will go to a studio that did this to her.

Every day since finding out, I have asked her to please quit and go somewhere else.

Upon discussing with one of my best high school friends (and yes I have a lot of friends I consider my besties) about how my heart is being ripped out of my chest, how I cannot breath, how much it has amped up my anxiety levels, etc and did I mention how much I just want her to leave and go somewhere else (?), my friend said,

“You raised a strong young woman. It’s not surprising she won’t quit given who her mom is.”

When I asked Tiny Dancer, once again this morning, to please please please please consider leaving and going somewhere else, and to please explain to me why she won’t leave after this was done to her, she said she was staying for her friends. She feels that leaving would punish them, given they've already marked dances that she has in the ensemble (basically background) . She can’t hurt them. She doesn’t want them to be hurt and suffer because of what was done to her.

And there you have it.

She is me.

I know she is me because during my last year of working on my Masters degree at PCOM, now Pacific College of Health and Science, I had a supervisor on one of my last clinic shifts that devastated me.

I was booked on EVERY clinic shift. I never had to worry about meeting the required number of patients necessary to graduate. Even when classmates weren’t booked, I had a full slate of patients who requested me.

I chose this particular supervisor because I had a passion for herbs and he was considered quite the master at herbs and formulas. Did I mention I did this because I LOVE herbs.

When it came time for mid term evaluations, I checked my grades and I saw that I had a B.

When I saw that, to me it meant, I have areas that need improvement - because fuck, doesn’t everyone?

When I asked the supervisor if he was going to sit down with us (the interns) and discuss our grades, which was actually supposed to be done in private, he said we could discuss it right there. . . in front of everyone.

Okay. So I noticed I got a B. What do I need to improve. . .

You could have knocked me over with a feather.

He proceeded to tell me that every minute that I had spent raising my children should have been spent studying. He further went on to say that I would NEVER be on par with my colleagues due to the time spent raising my children and not studying.

And just like my daughter waited to let all of the tears flow until she sat in my car, I refused to cry on that shift. I waited until I left and cried on the walk to the train and on the train ride home, on the car ride home from the train station, and I cried some more at home.

You see, I love this medicine and I love my children!

I immediately emailed and asked to be removed from the shift.

The school humiliated me by making me sit down to talk about what happened, during which he proceeded to say that he didn’t mean it the way I took it.

Sort of similar to what my daughter has been telling me has been going on since her admitting how disappointed she is, and she sees right through it.

She is a very smart and talented young woman.

And despite my loathing my daughter’s decision to stay and finish out the year, guess what? I finished out the clinic shift.

OMG She is me.

And I will NOT let this instance destroy her hopes and dreams. Right now, the sparkle is gone from her eyes. It’s painful to watch her eyes so blank on the car ride to the dance studio. I hope one day soon that spark comes back.

I am forever dedicated to continuing to learn and study this medicine that I have been so privileged to have the gift of learning. And every new thing I learn is another step in showing my commitment to this medicine and everything it means to me.

My hope is that the harm that was done only lights a fire in her that shows everyone the mistake they made in this choice, just as I let my disappointment light a fire under me to always strive to be the best I can.

This time away from my office has not been at all relaxing. It’s been stressful. And I am anxious for next week to be over so I can return to the happy space that is my office and my home.

This will be a VERY long year, and I already cannot wait for it to be over.

And yes, I am still shedding my own tears over how much this is destroying my Tiny Dancer.